for my experiential life begs to be fed from awareness.
Grief showed up at my doorstep yesterday as a cloud of innocent powerlessness.
I suspect this is something lingering from trauma. And so, what about trauma? How do we investigate trauma? Do we just make it through or is there more to it? Yes, of course there is more to trauma, but how much attention shall it suck in? My tree of trauma has been shook often. And recently my body’s trauma trigger cannot be ignored. Let me share.
As an astrologer, I have been schooled to see trauma in astrological charts. So my study lead me straight into highlights of my own set of traumas. One after another showing up like billboards along a highway. Remember this? For deep reflection take Exit 13. All of this is such a sober sight to swallow. So I turned to take in a session with an ancestral psychic. My first time openly investigating my ancestors with another. What was found? I know I have a loaded lineage of conditional shadows filled with trauma. Yet, my lifetime of experiences surfaced with deeper clarity.
Not a very warm family. True. Not even warm grandparents. True
IT is what it is. You see, for me this ground was to be walked to heal. And it has time and again been healed, stood upon and cultivated within awareness to bring warm fruition to future generations.
Big picture. Astrology offers big pictures into small details with exceptional perspectives.
I have just had my second Saturn return coinciding with a Jupiter return. Big life marker. A type of accountability and staying within measure is front and center. How has it gone? Clearly the garbage was taken to the curb. It shows. The union I have with my companion is rich and of open love. My kids & their companions, into grands have shown up & grown up with delicious wellness and each are savvy in their personal and social wellness ways. My ancestral poor white trash often came as a health crisis. Crisis stripping nearly everything away, and sharpening discernment for integrating back. And let’s put this plural (as I have had many acute & many chronic body battles) health crisis-es mobilized many transformations & bloomed into divine awareness. Body lead transformation (what we call illness) lifting a tangible fruition of divine manifestation. A 3D expression of divine! Snake energy. Swallow the poison to transmute 3D reality. (And let me acknowledge this insight comes as Mars is scouring over my Moon.)
But now, this quivering tree leads me inward again. Opening a return to some balance. Yes, I have some PERSONAL/personhood space from this experiential life which begs to be fed from awareness. The conditions of my life with so much comprised/compromised personal self has left what is expressed as me (in this expression of self )-now- to be inhibited. My traumas yet enfolded and unfolded as innocent powerlessness. It is too familiar. And still felt.
Today my domain of presence and personhood are becoming very discernible. And this liberates truth from boundless awareness to be integrated as life. This truth cares not of surface stuff, but of the subterranean. It is living and lifting from darkness, truth as boundless awareness.
My expressions of dark has been off. As I look this over, I can see I have learned to summon anger to extend strength instead of my darkness as my power.
(And this has rediscovering Mars all over it. Mars has been set to be anger. While our power as anger is but surface. Mars as anger is surely not complete or subtle enough. Dark Mother power is where we maintain 3D reality with powers far beyond anger. This is a grand distinction of the feminine of Mars.)
Let me say “Divine, which is full within me, let my life expression lift and communicate to pour from my dark feminine terrain. Please.”
I have no doubt of darkness within as I have and do embrace dark knowing as she has/& is guiding me. Clearly darkness has illuminated my life’s movements. Darkness is ripe and ready within me. Well exercised.
Yet in self reflection today, I feel to ask, does my condition of comprised compromised self thwart expression of my darkness?
Has darkness been inhibited from screening and discerning what I take in? It seems so.
Does this powerlessness, as it is soooo familiar, prevail? I must answer yes. And yes, dark mother is not the lingering expression of powerlessness.
“Let this, my darkness, be fully seen. May there be liberty in all my dark masks.”
“Please divine, let my life expression lift and communicate to pour from my dark feminine terrain.”
So maybe I am curious and I might want to marinate on the question which is of powerlessness? I am wondering what HAT do I wear as powerlessness?
But for today, I a done with it, and instead I want to relish in this release of my darkness.
mmmm, Thank you grief.